Keto Bandito Low Carb Total Fake-Out Pizza

So I was just texting one of my bffs and she was grilling me about pizza and how in the heck have I lost so much weight recently when I cook the way I like to cook...

Well, the truth is that I love to cook but I don't always eat everything I cook. I mean, I usually do but when it comes to the carb heavy breadstuffs I love to death, I treat those like treats and dreamy delights taken in moderation. Like, maybe once a week. Or that's my goal. It actually works great for me. I shoot for no carbs and in reality, I am substantially low carb by comparison without really counting calories or anything like that. I eat what I want, but not everyday, day after day.

That's because I've been doing keto and intermittent fasting for a couple of years. I learned about keto and fasting while in New Zealand from one of my like-minded and smartasshit girlfriends I was lucky enough to get to know while we were living overseas. Everything she said and that we talked about just made so much sense. In truth, when I examine the times in my life where I've lost a good deal of weight, it was because I was doing this without knowing I was doing it.

Ringing in 2017, I decided to do it on purpose with my girlfriend guiding me on the basics and providing me the right tools to allow me to research it and come to my own conclusions. Not pushy, just super knowledgable and helpful.

So with Sophie on my side, I endeavored and the progress I made shocked me and everyone I knew. It was not only drastic, but it was fast... It was so easy!! I dropped nearly 40 lbs in a matter of 5 months. I couldn't believe it. I wasn't ever hungry, was eating more calories than I ever had in my whole life and barely working out (compared to the effort I've made my whole life). I only started working out 2 months into my program and even at that point, kept it to 3-4 days a week, days off in between and doing more HIIT style 20 minute workouts with some weight training, just because I like it. It never felt like a program, it was that natural for me.

I started to eat less and less and was not very hungry so worked in intermittent fasting once my body became keto adapted. People at work noticed. Friends and family noticed and the boys started working out with me when they came home for the summer. If you can get teenage boys to workout voluntarily... then you know something is working.

It's way too big of a topic to tackle here, but being that I get asked so much and it has now become a staple in my own diet,  I felt I needed to at least post about it. It's one of my favorite cheater recipes that was a go-to when I first started keto. One of the first I ever made, actually and from then on, I was really hooked. It became a kitchen stadium kind of game to me... fun. I only call it cheater because it makes me feel like I'm cheating.... but I'm not!

Anywho, keto pizzas are a bit of kitchen magic. I say magic because I impress myself every time I make it and normally, these ingredients don't make sense together. But they are transformed, mutated in such a clever way! If I happen to have it in the fridge, someone will always eat it before I can ever get to it again. And that's because no one knows it's chock full of cauliflower!

Yep, it can fake out even a hard core pizza maniac. Like Tsunami. Like his oldest son. He's probably our pickiest eater with the least adventurous palette, but he's eaten my keto pizza without even knowing there was anything different about it. Tsunami will now eat it completely willingly if I make it because he also loves it.

Truth is, I don't actually like to share it... I know. Boo to me. But, hey, neither will you because it's the only pizza you can eat half by yourself and not actually feel completely sick over it when you do! Try to eat the whole thing. Go ahead. I dare you. But if you do, ain't no thang but a chicken wang as Tsunami says. You just ate a head of cauliflower. And 2 cups of cheese but hey, you were all keto, my friend. And that, is most certainly a good thang.

Let the games begin.

Keto "Fathead" Pizza Crust:

• 2 cups fresh grated cauliflower
• 2 cups of grated mozzarella
• 2 fresh eggs, beaten

Other Pizza stuff:

• premade pizza sauce
• toppings of choice
• grated cheese of choice but mozz is easy because you use it in the crust ;)
• parchment paper (this is important, worth getting if you don't have any)
• pizza pan or baking sheet of some sort

Prep:

1. Using a manual cheese grater, grate a head of fresh cauliflower. This is commonly referred to as "rice". If you have extra, you can use it like rice in other keto recipes but I like to portion it out into 2 cup portions and vacuum seal those for later use if eating in the near future. Do what you gotta do. I don't use frozen cauliflower rice because it just produces too much moisture and fresh is much easier to get the texture right with little work.
2. Mix everything up in a bowl. Ok, now take a break. You've earned it. That was exhausting.
3. Ok, get up, you're not done. Let's make this into a pizza star. Line your pan with a piece of parchment paper and dump everything from the bowl onto the center of the parchment.
4. I use a 14 inch pan and press the mixture from the center outward to the edges just to create the round shape I want. This is similar to making a pie crust. I use the back of a small juice glass to gently press it out. 

Bake:

1. Preheat oven to 450 F.
2. Prebake your crust without toppings for about 15 minutes or until crust looks golden. This is an important step so your crust doesn't get soggy once the toppings go on. It will look delicious at this stage, but wait... there's more!
3. Add your sauce and toppings and cheese. Go easy on the toppings your first time until you know how heavy they are on your crust. You'll know better the next time if you need to add more or go even lighter. This is kinda personal so I'll let you figure that out.
4. Bake for another 15 minutes or until the cheese on top is bubbly and brown, checking the bottom so you don't get that too dark. I personally like a dark, caramelized bottom but just check in case your oven or pan is running hot.
5. Remove and let the pizza cool for about 5-10 minutes before cutting. It helps the gooey cheese set a bit.

Notes:

**I like a thin crust so I go as thin as possibly without creating any "holes" in my my mixture. Don't worry. It may look to wet but it will keep its shape as long as you don't have any gaps or holes in your shaped "dough". If you like a thick crust or pan style, then go ahead and try it. Just know that your baking times may need to be adjusted to accommodate the thicker crusts.

**I have a cast iron pizza pan that I just love. I preheat the pan in the oven and slide my pizza, still on the parchment, onto the pan using a pizza peel. Use your favorite pizza making tools and see how they work. I've also used a pizza stone, a perforated pizza pan and have even cooked it just on the parchment. A pizza peel, to me, is an invaluable cooking utensil and if you love pizza like we do, you'll find it to be super useful as well.

**I've grilled this on the big green egg! You can grill any pizza so why not? Especially if you're smoking meats. It's just killer.

**This makes adorable mini pizzas for snacks. Remember when I said to try to refrain from eating it after it's prebake? Well, make some minis and do exactly that! Top with some fresh arugula and red onions and it's just crazy good.

**I've done meat lover's pizza and it can stand up to some serious weight if you are somewhat clever with just how you put it all on. Again, don't go crazy. An ounce of each meat, like sausage, bacon, pork belly, pepperoni, prosciutto, whatever, is a lot once it's all loaded. Stick to 3 meats or so and this will rock your little socks.

**My favorite cheeses lately is a 50/50 combo of mozz and Monterrey Jack! A recent discovery when I ran out of mozzarella one night while making like 10 pizzas. We can go through some cheese, dudes. So I took a frozen block of Monterrey Jack, grated it with my remaining mozz and it was so good, the kids said they like the cheese even more. The had no idea, but the feedback was great because I started doing that on purpose and it actually tastes pretty darn fantastic.

Hawaiian Style Aloha Calzones

I could probably dedicate an entire blog to fermentation.

My family teases that I'm one of the few girls in the world that thinks fermentation is sexy.

Sourdough starters make me giddy and I can tell by one wonderful sniff, the difference between a French and Italian sourdough.

I am addicted to Bulgarian yogurt and make kraut in 5 litre batches. We brew beer, make obstler and scrumpy. I mean, why wouldn't we?

The first time I made kraut for Tsunami, he was utterly speechless and questioned whether or not we'd actually be able to eat that much sauerkraut by ourselves. He looked at me with total disbelief and said, "So... sauerkraut is actually a pickle??!"  Oh, yea baby. It's a pickle!

Me, I could only snicker at him, knowing that he'd never had real sauerkraut before... I mean, not like THIS sauerkraut. My sauerkraut is the real deal.

First time he tried it, he was blown away and as we literally fought over who would get to finish the very last bit left we were eating straight out of the jar with chopsticks.  He then joked that perhaps we need to move up to our 10 litre crock just to make sure we had enough next time. You know, to keep the family peace and all.

I had such a good Italian starter going in New Zealand that I used it in trade with my girlfriends who were just toying with sauerkrauts and kimchi. I even had a kimchi maker from China that could be used for making sake, kimchi, annatto and yogurt that I traded for an Asian pear tree. I mean, I love my gadgets but I also know that I didn't need another device just for those things. Novel, though, and I loved it.

You kinda get the picture...

So when our kids were here for the summer, we made plenty of hot sauce, pickles, bread, cinnamon rolls, buttermilk waffles and pancakes, you name it. And of course, pizza. But not just any pizza...pizza made from my certified sourdough starter from Naples, Italy.

Used for generations to make their world renown pizzas, it was now a staple in my own house. And although no one in my house really knows why, or can quite put their finger on it, my homemade pizzas are money.... and so are my calzones. Our youngest son says he can no longer eat store bought frozen pizzas; he was ruined. No small wonder, though.

Kind of a huge deal for me because when we first started eating pizzas together, they were so skeptical about a homemade pizza that I had to have a backup dinner planned just in case it didn't fly. But fly, it sure did. And now, it's not only the norm, it's a pretty frequent request and it's why it's super easy for me to maintain my very healthy, very active starter.

When I make pizzas, they each get their own. And while this may seem extravagant, the truth is it is also another family peace-keeper. 3 man-children can devour 6 14 inch pizzas in no time. I take the made-to-order pie requests and Tsunami preps the pizza fixings. And the pizza buffet is in full swing.

Tonight however, we were feeling the calzone spirit and opted for this kinda sourdough love instead. It was such a huge success that calzones are the new backpack lunch of choice on the long flights we take to and from the mainland. And it's also become a beach lunch staple, left to heat up in their foil packets on top of the cooler while we do our beach things. (But don't leave them too close to your dog because they like them, too. lol!)

This dough was made with my Italian Camaldoli sourdough starter and left in the fridge for well over a week. Aged dough or fermented dough is outstanding and I never worry about making too much because it keeps and develops even more flavor if it's allowed time to do so.

It also freezes beautifully so even when it's just Tsunami and myself, I always make a double batch and freeze some. In fact, I will freeze calzones whole, uncooked of course, using my FoodSaver vacuum sealer. Makes a quick dinner a snap if you are in the mood for something like that.

Here's how I roll:

1 cup of starter
1 tbsp of salt
6 c of flour
2 tsp yeast
1 tbsp sugar
2 1/2 plus 1/3 cup warm water

I made 4 calzones, 2 large pizzas and it was so freaking good we were almost sad we were so proactive in putting the other two in the fridge. (These, didn't even make it to the freezer they were destined for as someone in my house had planned for another calzone round later in the week.)

We made meat lover's and Hawaiian. The Hawaiian is one of Tsunami's favorite styles of pizza and this one was pretty freaking special given that we made it with our first white pineapple grown in our mini pineapple field in the back papaya grove. I mean, I had hoped... but having recently had another pineapple from a plant grown close by, I thought it would be the Hawaiian Gold. Which, sorry, is nothing to sneeze at and no matter how much you love your Dole...homegrown, ripened and ready fresh pineapple is an absolute wonder of nature. God's food, no doubt about it.

So imagine my utter delight when I opened the fridge to discover that Tsunami had cut up and prepped the pineapple for our pizza lover's feast. It was white. White?! Omg. I squeaked out an indecipherable bunch of mouse chatter over my excitement and quickly snagged a bite. Freaking delightful! Fragrant, perfumey but not overly syrupy sweet. Perfect!

Just in case you aren't familiar, Hawaiian style pizza or calzone toppings goes something like this:

• pineapple chunks
• jalapeno slices
• red onion slices
• ham, bacon, canadian bacon or char siu (something porky; char siu is easy to find on the island)
• spam (yep, here the Hawaiians are just mad about spam but that's not my jam)

Really, you can do anything you like but a Hawaiian style definitely has pineapple regardless of which type of meat you use or don't.

And if you ever get a chance to have or use white pineapple, you should definitely give it a go. Rule of the thumb for gaging a pineapple's ripeness is that if you can smell it, it's ready. And something kinda cool to know is that white pineapple, you can eat the whole thing, including the core as it is sweet and edible, just like the rest of the pineapple flesh you normally eat.

We let none of it go to waste and once a pineapple has flowered and fruited, it will fruit again but it will also multiply! So from one little pineapple, an entire pineapple field will emerge! Pineapple tops can be successfully rooted and grown into full blown pineapple plants to also create a whole pineapple family. Pineapple pups will come from a fruited mommy plant. Where once I only had a handful of plants, I now have a field. If only I can get my lawn guy to avoid them with the lawn mower and weedwacker, all will be right in the Universe.

So even if you don't think you can grow pineapple, you should definitely try it anyway.

And if that's just too much crazy, then just eat it like a Boss.

Oh, and if you need to know how to cook it, just do it like I do the other pizzas I've posted about. I roll out the dough and in the case of calzones, I will fill it then bake at 450 F until golden brown. Usually about 15-20 minutes depending on your oven. If you are making a pizza, then I roll it out let it rise and then prebake it for 7 minutes. Add sauce and toppings then bake at 450 for about 12-15 minutes at 450 F. This is just a guide, as you know, so a lot depends on what style you are making (Calzone or pizza, say), how thick of a crust you've rolled and how dark you like your crust and cheese.

One other idea I forgot to mention is that these calzones.... are great deep fried!

Southern Perfection - Fiesta Pickled Hard Boiled Eggs

Oh guilty pleasure.... this would be one of many. Then again, you can't feel that guilty over eggs, can you? I mean, it's like a perfect food, in my carnivorous opinion. And when you pickle this perfect food, it becomes a double perfect, triple perfect kinda deal.

Yep, we pickle almost anything. And this might turn some people off but way back in the day, pickled eggs were a real treat. For most Southerners, pickled eggs are a common regional delicacy you can still pick up at the corner store or the deli. My mouth waters thinking about it.

Although growing up, the pickled eggs I often encountered were vinegary, delicious, punchy packages with a kick. Often pickled in a beet-colored, vinegary pickling brine or colored with red food coloring or more commonly, hot sauce.

We've pickled eggs before using our hot sauce brine. I mean....this. is. so. good. So this is my all time favorite way of doing this at home. Tsunami also loves pickled sausage, another deep South picklicious tradition. So we've pickled eggs in pickled sausage brine. You get the picture.

But recently, I decided to make this again after coming across pickled eggs on pinterest, which reminded me to do it again. And I've also been doing batches of quick dill pickles with my favorite cheater pickling spices from Ball. Now, this isn't a traditional fermented pickle but an American-style, vinegar pickle. Both are popular at my house and we go through some pickles, y'all.

I had a bit of the Fiesta Salsa mix from Ball in the pantry, but I've never used it for salsa actually. Instead, I've used it for pickling tomatillos, cherry tomatoes, carrots and onions, which are outstanding in bloody marys. I thought this would be a great flavor profile for the eggs so that's just what I did.

Here is what I used for a half gallon batch:

Ingredients for pickling base:
1/4 c Ball Fiesta Salsa pickling spices
2 tbsp vinegar
4 c hot water
hot water, to top off, if necessary

~12-15 hard boiled eggs
3 sliced jalapeños, optional
1 sliced sweet onion, optional
1 clean half gallon Ball or canning jar with fitted lid, ring

Method:

1. Hard boil your eggs and make sure they are cooled and peeled.
2. In a separate container, mix your pickling base and allow it to cool.
3. Put eggs in the jar and any other goodies you like, then fill with the pickling base. My base above almost filled the jar perfectly but I wanted to ensure there was enough to cover all veggies.
4. This is optional, but I vacuum sealed my jar just to keep things tidy and clean while I let it sit for a few weeks in the fridge to marinate. That is essentially what you are doing. You are marinating these eggs in a vinegary bath of tasty love.

Consider these variations:

• Spicy Portuguese or Italian or Cajun sausage 
• Sliced carrots
• Celery (sounds weird but pickled celery rocks!)
• Hot chilis (I used jalapeños, but my next batch will have Reapers)
• No pickling mix? How about Bloody Mary mix as a pickling brine? I've even seen Tsunami save his pickling juice from his favorite pickle of the week and reuse that. We love spicy so anything with a vinegar base, even the canned pickled jalapenos en escabeche you can find at most grocery stores will work great. My next batch will probably be a full on dilly pickle brine as I have loads of fresh dill in the garden coming.