I will admit to being quite homesick over this Thanksgiving holiday. Not the least of which is really because I miss cooking with my sister most of all. She is like my best friend and has really been there for me during some super harsh times of my life. I actually feel this way about each member of my family and all of my sisters have been there for me, but there is something special about cooking during great times of duress. Especially when you feel like you might die from heartbreak.
At that time in my life, it felt like the only thing that could keep me from losing my mind, especially during those horrible years where it was clear my marriage was not only an unhealthy one, but in many ways, a very dangerous one, was my cooking. It was over Thanksgiving, in 2012, just after coming home from a business trip in China that the seriousness of the matter not only came to be a glaring and inescapable reality for me, but also became a deep and painful awareness for my family, who had no idea of the nightmare I had been living. And hiding.
It's a difficult thing to shine a light on, but what I've come to realize about being in an abusive relationship is that it is an insipid place of hiding and denial and one that isn't easy to come to terms with for the person enduring something so maniacal and downright wrong. It takes a long time to be brave enough to admit it to yourself, let alone to someone who loves you as much as your friends or family do. But in the end, if it can come to light, change can occur and that is what I found myself most thankful for this year. The light. The love. The change.
As I settle into a new life here in New Zealand with someone new that I love, I've become keenly aware of the huge challenges we faced together as we try to put the painful parts of our lives, the ones we had devoted ourselves to before we met, behind us. This new beginning, while completely invigorating and refreshing, hasn't been without it's challenges which we both well anticipated. But its also been incredibly endearing and touching at the same time. It has allowed us both a complete break from what we've known even together and is providing a very intentional, fundamental brick by brick building up of the life we intend to have together. Solid. Safe. Even in the face of such change and exciting uncertainty.
For one, we've both left a lot behind... and in so doing, we still bring a lot with us on the journey. And what we bring with us has a lot to do with the ones we love and the ones we are doing this for. So of course, Thanksgiving, which is often a greater time of reflection for Americans than even the ensuing religious holidays that follow, bring with it some nostalgia of times past. Loves lost. And loves left behind. And love... found. Love that can thrive and grow.
So sorting through that and trying to find some familiar ground after being adrift in our personal seas of change, which of course, is a transcontinental change of significant magnitude in and of itself, posed a few challenges over our first holiday away from our families. Aside from being away from them, we also had the practical matter of how we would deal with Thanksgiving itself. I mean, it's an American holiday that islanders and surely, an island full of native inhabitants as well as British colonists, can't truly dig into... lol! It's almost perverse to talk about it so lovingly here as to most non-Americans it is a bit of an oxymoron itself. But, Americans don't think of it really in a historical sort of way... It's our own holiday that has come to represent exactly what we were nostalgic for this year. Time with and about the ones you love and the gratitude for the life you have.
So on a practical note, how does one do an American holiday in a country that thinks you are mad for celebrating such a thing in the first place? Well, first you educate them on what the holiday really means. Next, you accept the fact that while you may be able to work from home and enjoy football, oddly enough, you surely won't readily find turkeys. At least not here in New Zealand. Which is not so terrible honestly because if it ain't my brother in law's turkey, then really I could care less. In my mind, his smoked and Southern deep fried turkey is THE ONLY turkey anyone could ever truly love or miss.
Rock Lobsters. Lamb. Giant Green Lipped New Zealand Mussels. Tomahawk steaks. BEAUTIFUL hams... the bounty of the harvest. Aha! That is what a Thanksgiving table is actually all about, right? And that is what a Kiwi table actually looks like if you celebrate what is locally available here. And this, I could really embrace and get behind. We also have a lot of the same produce and more because here in the South Pacific, it is actually slowly drifting from the cooler Spring weather into the full blown warmth of Summer.
One of the bounties of New Zealand is also lemons and citrus of all kinds. And I won't lie, this has had my attention since we first landed, being that it's one of my greatest loves in the garden and the kitchen.
At this time of year, I always have an abundance of lemons as my sister would send me boxes of her beautiful lemons which ripen every year just in time for Thanksgiving. I also grew them in Florida but hadn't lived there long enough to get a large crop like hers. But boy oh boy was I tickled to death to discover that not only do they grow so well here, but they almost grow wild. Nearly every yard has a lemon tree just loaded with lemons. So many lemons no one knows what to do with! But, I do...
So when discussing what kind of Thanksgiving feast we would have and knowing we'd have to replace some old favorites with some new ones, I asked my partner what would he like special on our holiday. He was quiet and a little bit sad having just talked so lovingly about his mother's oyster dressing that I knew he was feeling it much like I was. But then he looked at me and smiled, "Lemon meringue pie! Do you think you could manage that?" Could I manage that?! I was almost giddy. I mean, if I can't manage that surrounded by all these lemons and being that I've made so many with my sisters over the years, then I just don't deserve to wear the family apron, quite frankly.
So my next challenge is that while we are ambitious in the kitchen no matter what day of the week it is, our biggest challenge has been how to cook like a chef in what is the equivalent of a college dorm kitchen. We move into our new home away from home later this week, but until then, we still have to make do with the limited kitchen situation, regardless of the bounty we have at hand.
We have a mini fridge, a combo cooktop/toaster oven, a microwave and just enough kitchenware to make a meal possible. Possible, I said... not necessarily easy. lol! But that has been part of the fun for us. We are both quite competitive in the kitchen anyway so while I know he was asking me sincerely to make something he enjoyed, I think he was also keenly aware of my constraints. Really, he was issuing a kitchen challenge. Irresistible; of course, he knew it.
Having pulled a groin muscle hauling groceries up the mountain a couple of days before he was understandably willing but unable to assist in the foraging. Ever willing to cook, even if a bit limpy, I knew I'd have help. But the "hunting and gathering" aspect this year was most definitely in my hands and I had my work cut out for me. But I was determined... knowing he was feeling as homesick for the familiar family festivities as I was.
I had my backpack, my rain coat (just in case!), my credit card and my grocery lists and more than an hour to get to the butcher. He closes at 2pm, but I had plenty of time and well, let's face it, no one was going to fight me for the best stuff on a random day no one was celebrating but us.
I also had about a dozen lemon trees lining my neighbors' properties along the street the entire way to the village. Plenty of lemons, check. Now, for the crust... Having time to think about it on the way into town, I became suspicious that there would not be a graham cracker to be had in the village and that proved to be 100% true. So what to do instead? Well, what any Brit would do. Puff pastry or shortbread. And both you can find in abundance no matter where you go, grocery store, dairy, butcher shop. I had my plan. So having half my list already sorted, off I traipse down the mountain.
For the crust:
- Bunch of shortbread cookies, I don't know how many really but I usually use 2 packages of graham crackers so I just estimated and used a bunch of cookies (250-350 g?) because of course those you can buy in bulk in a myriad of brands and variations. Crushed with a potato masher (don't laugh it worked!)
- 2 tbsp butter, 4 tbs coconut oil, melted
- 1 tbsp sugar
All of this was in my backpack and after an almost 2 mile hike up the mountain to the very top where we are staying, I was most certainly ready and deserving of a beer. Buns of steel, here I come, no joke. Oh well. Even though I didn't have enough butter, I knew I could use coconut oil as a butter substitute and let's face it, shortbread is mostly butter anyway so I figured all would be well.
I didn't have a pie tin. And the antique stores I wanted to pop into to see about getting one were both closed. Ok, whatever, I'd have to use my teflon skillet as a pie tin. My crafty sous chef had already removed the plastic handle from it just in case I didn't have any luck in the village. For one, it wouldn't fit in the toaster oven with the handle on, for another the handle would melt and for yet another, I didn't have anything else so it would have to do. And this turned out to be quite ingenius really. So much easier to remove a pie from a teflon pan, it turns out. It made me wonder why that isn't a thing.... I will rig one once we are in the new place because it worked so well. Well worth the effort.
Some notes about this... I didn't bake the filling first, just did what I normally do and bake it with the meringue on top. But what was kinda cool is that the meringue turned out lovely and no weeping! So the cream of tartar is an absolute must. I think this is what I've left out if I didn't have it on hand in years past thinking the whites don't need a stabilizer, but they absolutely do. Also this was hand whipped but I'm not going to do that ever again. lol!
I didn't have a pie tin. And the antique stores I wanted to pop into to see about getting one were both closed. Ok, whatever, I'd have to use my teflon skillet as a pie tin. My crafty sous chef had already removed the plastic handle from it just in case I didn't have any luck in the village. For one, it wouldn't fit in the toaster oven with the handle on, for another the handle would melt and for yet another, I didn't have anything else so it would have to do. And this turned out to be quite ingenius really. So much easier to remove a pie from a teflon pan, it turns out. It made me wonder why that isn't a thing.... I will rig one once we are in the new place because it worked so well. Well worth the effort.
Next, I needed to figure out how to make the crumbs. I knew this wouldn't be too hard. Normally I just use my food processor, but since that is still floating out at sea waiting for the port to be repaired from the massive earthquake we had last week, I had to come up with another way. Smash in a bag, ok, but I don't have a plethora of plastic bags these days and I don't mind that at all. One thing I did have at hand was this crazy, but clever potato masher that looked like it was bent out of shape. Turns out, the Brits and Kiwis are onto something here because it is bent so you can mash potatoes inside a pot easier. Check; yes, will be investing in one of these clever things as well going forward. I broke the cookies up and used this crazy masher to make the most perfect pie crust crumbs ever.
Mix the crumbs, melted butter and/or coconut oil with the sugar until well combined.
Press the crumbs into a teflon skillet with the handle removed. Go on, you know you want to... lol! Dump the crumb mixture into the pan and using the bottom of a smooth espresso cup or glass, gently distribute it out on the bottom of the pan. Press crumbs gently on the bottom first, moving out towards the sides of the pan, not pressing too hard but just enough to hold its form. You don't want it to be hard as a brick baking up or it will be difficult to cut (speaking from experience, mind you). It will naturally start to work up the sides of the pan so I press the sides gently almost all the way up but not so aggressively that it crumbles back into itself. It doesn't have to be even or perfect and in fact, I like the way it looks if it's not all the way up the sides and slightly irregular. It's prettier, to me, on the plate that way.
Lemon Filling:
- 3 egg yolks, separating yolks and whites, reserving the whites for meringue
- 2 tsp (10 mL) grated lemon rind
- 1 can (300 mL or 14 oz) regular sweetened condensed milk
- ½ cup (125 mL) fresh squeezed lemon juice
Time to get crafty again...
I didn't have a hand mixer or a set of beaters. But... I had a magic bullet that I ordered from Chinese Amazon. lol! Sadly, it's too expensive to get shit sent here from the US unless you have someone send it as a gift. You really do get raked by customs in New Zealand, no getting around it. But, AliExpress, whom I've shopped with successfully for years, has been a bit of a life saver. I have always called them "Chinese Amazon" because they have just about anything and because China is actually closer than the US, it will arrive here much quicker too. Also, shipping to New Zealand is free and they are very clever about how to deal with customs. I won't say anything more except that I love them. lol! And so, that's how I was able to replace my American Bullet Pro with a 220v version that I can actually use here in New Zealand without having to use a power converter. Yes, that's a real thing, people. American 110v appliances just won't work here and you can't just get an adapter. I am extremely knowledgeable on the topic so if you ever have questions, send me a note. lol!
Back to the filling. I didn't have a blender or a mixer or anything so I decided to put my filling ingredients into my Bullet and see how that worked out. Brilliant. lol! It was really brilliant and I was so impressed with myself for thinking of it! Worked like a charm. Fast, easy and really whipped it up better and faster than I could have done in a stand mixer or bowl.
In a bullet blender, put egg yolks, lemon juice, and evaporated milk and secure the blade. Blend to combine. Took all of 30 seconds. Pour into your pressed pie crust and gently distribute evenly all the way to the edge of the pie crust. Don't worry if it looks like it isn't enough. It is.
Onto the meringue...
Meringue Topping:
- ¼ tsp (1 mL) cream of tartar
- ¼ cup (50 mL) sugar
- 3 egg whites you saved from before
Using a new clean blender cup, add reserved egg whites, cream of tartar and sugar. Do the same thing. Blend away.
Nope... sadly, that didn't work. Had to hand beat it for 2 hours by hand. lol No joke, this part sucked but having succeeded in everything else and knowing that in culinary school, you have to do this successfully anyway to graduate, I thought let's just do it the old fashioned way. FREAKING SUCKED ASS but I was not about to give up on it at this stage of the crazy make-do game I was playing. I will never do that ever again even though it turned out so beautifully. It was hilarious and a bonding moment because we watched Midnight Diner:Tokyo Stories on Netflix and beat the shit out of these egg whites, passing the bowl back and forth for, I kid you not, two freaking hours. Maybe more. I don't know. Just kept passing the bowl between us because we'd both get tired. I stopped, googled it to make sure that yes, you really can make meringue's the old fashioned way and it wasn't just a myth. Turns out it's true, but they don't tell you IT TAKES TWO HOURS, 2 PEOPLE and all the arm strength you have. And all the beer will be gone when you are done. lol!
Here's one thing that was awesome about this crazy effort... we didn't overbeat the whites! This is kinda important... For years, I've made this and I think in my overzealous attempt to make stiff peaks, I've made granite peaks. lol! In other words, I've overbeat the whites from stiff peaks, where the whites stand on their own and hold their shape, to being statuesque... overdry, essentially and with too much air. It loses the glossy shine and goes a bit dull white. You may or may not know what I mean, but if you've ever done this, you will understand. So moral of the story, just don't overdo it and leave them more on the marshmallow fluff side of the fence instead of the foamy bubble bath side, if that makes sense. Soft peaks works wonderfully well actually.
Spoon the meringue over the top of the lemon filling and using the back of your spoon, lightly touch and lift the back of your spoon on the top of the meringue to make little "peaks" for decoration. You certainly don't have to do this part of the masterpiece, but we like it so we do it.
Bake the freaking pie already:
Bake the freaking pie already:
Bake in a preheated oven at 325°F (160°C) oven for 25 minutes or until tops are slightly caramelizing and turning brown. Some people don't like a golden meringue top and if that's you, that's cool. Just take it out a few minutes earlier. I actually like it like that.
Some notes about this... I didn't bake the filling first, just did what I normally do and bake it with the meringue on top. But what was kinda cool is that the meringue turned out lovely and no weeping! So the cream of tartar is an absolute must. I think this is what I've left out if I didn't have it on hand in years past thinking the whites don't need a stabilizer, but they absolutely do. Also this was hand whipped but I'm not going to do that ever again. lol!
The eggs here in New Zealand are extraordinary and the filling was far more set even before putting it into the oven so it was no surprise that this was probably the best filling yet. It didn't need corn starch, powder sugar nothing as I've also used for years. Just egg yolks, condensed milk, lemon juice and zest. I did that part in the bullet and it was awesome.
The shortbread cookies, I crushed with a potato masher added all the butter I had which was about 2-3 tbs and I did the same amount of coconut oil. This was a brilliant crust, no lie. Will probably never do it differently from now on because I think the lemon meringue goes so much nicer with a shortbread than graham crackers now that I've had it that way out of necessity. I'd love to do smaller versions for individual pies. The crust was just awesome. The lemon filling perfect and even the meringue was probably the best I've done simply because I did it correctly with the cream of tartar and because it was hand made. It wasn't over-whipped and I think that is pretty important.
The shortbread cookies, I crushed with a potato masher added all the butter I had which was about 2-3 tbs and I did the same amount of coconut oil. This was a brilliant crust, no lie. Will probably never do it differently from now on because I think the lemon meringue goes so much nicer with a shortbread than graham crackers now that I've had it that way out of necessity. I'd love to do smaller versions for individual pies. The crust was just awesome. The lemon filling perfect and even the meringue was probably the best I've done simply because I did it correctly with the cream of tartar and because it was hand made. It wasn't over-whipped and I think that is pretty important.
So while this is probably one of the shortest, easiest and quickest recipes you could ever make and I've written a novel about it, part of the beauty of this Thanksgiving endeavor was appreciating what I have. What I have. Not what I had. Not what I will have. What I want. But what I have. And what I have, here in the most beautiful place on earth with no goddang turkeys is a most extraordinary and truly special experience that has allowed me so much peace and an opportunity for real healing. And above all, an appreciation for the ones who really love me and the ones I love in return.
Happy Thanksgiving!! I am so very grateful for so very much.
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